Redefining the Meaning of “Family”

Recent events have caused me to examine what the word “family” means to me and who it describes. Traditionally one’s family is thought to be those you are related to by blood and by marriage. But that’s genealogy. After what happened this weekend, I now believe that for me, merely sharing the same blood does not give someone “family” status.

To me, family means those who uplift you, those who add joy and love to your life, those who are there for you when you need them. Family does not forsake you. Family does not beat you emotionally until you crumble, bloody and broken. Family does not kick you when you’re down. Family does not unapologetically treat you badly, and expect you to carry on the relationship as though nothing happened.

So with this new definition, I had just one family member left—my sister. She was the only one who supported me when my 87 year old mother (who I believe has advancing dementia) started treating me like she hated me this summer. The meanness inflicted by the one who brought me into this world was incredibly difficult to bear, but the complete lack of empathy of my so-called family magnified that emotional pain a thousand-fold.  At least I had my sister. Or so I thought.

This weekend, she got mad at me and for a good half hour she ripped me a new one; actually several new ones. We’ve only had one fight our entire adult life, and that was nothing compared to this. She said such demeaning, hurtful things that I wondered if she’d become possessed because I couldn’t fathom how all of that loathing could be inside her all this time and was only now coming out.

When she was done with her diatribe, she said “You know, you do have family who care about you.” I pointed to my three cats and said “I know I do. One, two, three.”  This enraged her and she stormed out. But as I looked at my precious, sweet and loving earth angels with fur, I realized it was the truth. Annabelle, Mickey and Rocky are my only family.

That does not make me sad, though. I feel so blessed to have these three family members who will always love me, who will always be there for me, who will always offer a comforting purr when I’m sick and an uplifting head-bonk when I’m sad. The human beings I’m related to by blood or marriage are not my family. Blood is just blood. It does not determine who deserves the title of family.